Scars
by KourtTears
Summary: He doesn't know why, but he feels different somehow...he feels changed. Spoilers up to and for Tao of Rodney!


Genre: Gen, Introspective  
Characters: Ronon Dex  
Summary: He doesn't know why, but he feels different somehow…he feels changed.  
**Spoilers for and up to Tao of Rodney.**  
A/N : Written for the sga-flashfic livejournal community. Sorry if it's confusing but that was what I was going for…kind of.

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_"I hope you don't mind; I just healed them…"_ And with that Rodney leaves Ronon standing there in the hallway.

Ronon reaches around and feels his back and sure enough the scars are gone. He doesn't know why, but he feels different somehow…he feels changed. Which is ridiculous because Ronon knows that scars don't make up who a person really is.

But maybe, he thinks, maybe what the scars represent make up a person. But that thought is too philosophical for Ronon, especially when a friend is (maybe-probably) dying, so he lets it go. It isn't until later that night, after McKay fixes himself, that Ronon revisits the thought.

He is laying in bed when he thinks about his not-there scars and is trying to remember what he was like before the scars were forced on him. He doesn't remember much except for some feelings of comfort and home and love. And, of course, the memories of Melena that are burned into his brain (he hopes they always will be).

He remembers the fear and anger and the absolute hatred he feels when the Wraith started to feed on him. And he knows when the Wraith put him on that table and cut into him and made him a Runner that someone died. Ronon doesn't remember enough of the before-scar person to really miss him. He only misses the feelings and memories of the before-person…and he only misses those when he _stops _and he doesn't allow that to happen for seven years because he is always Running.

The after-scar person is someone that Ronon is familiar with. The after-scar person is what transformed Ronon from a soldier into a warrior. He remembers the fear and confusion and pain when he is let go and he has to start Running. He remembers the anger when he realized what he must do, what they were forcing him to do. And not Running was never an option because Ronon will always choose life over being Wraith food.

He remembers the disturbingly happy feeling that flowed through him when he realized that he could even the playing field somewhat. When he decided that if he was going to be hunted then they were going to be hunted as well. And he remembers vowing to himself that if he goes down then his hunters will go down with him.

And then Ronon remembers what happens next. A brief interlude filled with a sense of security that was almost too good to be true. He can _stop _so he can remember the feelings and memories of the before-scar person. Granted he had to go into battle and fight, but he wasn't being chased anymore. It was his decision to stay in Atlantis, to follow Weir and Sheppard, to fight for and with them. It was almost as if the before-scar person was back…only a little bit older and wiser and deadlier.

But then it was back to running, only this time it was even worse because he knew what it felt like to _stop _and it was him against more enemies than ever before and it was on Sateda…or what was left of it. It was home and it wasn't. It felt like the after-scar person was back with a vengeance. Almost as if the after-scar person was going to make up for the time he had lost when the before-scar person 'kind of' came back.

And then it was back to Atlantis and the sense of security that he didn't believe in anymore. And he held on to the after-scar person because that person knew how to take care of himself and that person knew how to survive.

Ronon knows though that surviving and living are two different things and that only the before-scar person lived. And then he thinks that it doesn't matter anymore because the scars are gone. But he is not the before-scar person he was seven years ago, and he is not the after-scar person he was just hours ago either. Which means that Ronon now has to define the person he is without using _those _scars as the starting or end point. And that is something that Ronon doesn't know how to do anymore.

And then Ronon realizes that he has been staring at the ceiling for well over two hours and vows to forget the before-scar person and the after-scar person because he still has things to do. Neither are there anymore anyway. And he knows that thinking about his lives before Atlantis will cripple him. So he makes another vow to only take the skills from his before-scar and after-scar life that will be of use to him in Atlantis. When he steps out of the shower the next morning though he can't help but turn and look at his back in the mirror, and his scars _still aren't there_. As he touches the place where they used to be Ronon doesn't understand why he feels like a person is missing...


End file.
